i dont feel like me.

cant sleep.

the wind is howling and rattling my windows. barking at my building to let it in. there is a breeze that curls around my ankles as i get up to go get water. pulling and pushing on my door. loosening the hinges and keeping me up. right now.


 i am sick again.

id like to thank the academy.

at the tail end of a cold and i honestly couldnt be feeling any better than i am right now. so much positivity surrounds me. i feel strong. healthy. open. ive been taking extra good care of myself. ran eight km yesterday and also ran my fastest five kms during that run. today i had another pb. ran fifteen kms for my first time ever. i am elated. i honestly dont think ive ever felt so accomplished. i know to a lot of other runners that doesnt mean much. but i used to think i could barely do ten km and now a half marathon is not a dream but a possible reality. i feel a sense of confidence in myself that ive never felt before. i even sent a msg to an old girlfriend who has been nonexistant the two months. i extended the olive branch but was not met half way. normally id be totally shattered by this but i am not. i actually feel like i did my best and that is all i can do and im not going to bend over backwards for her friendship anymore. knowing this feels really good. then as if my week couldnt get better, i go to vancouver tomorrow night for a show. get to see friends and have an awesome night. on friday ill be seeking out a leather shop that i have never been to and that has me pretty pumped to and then back home i go. saturday and sunday i am working at a market selling my handcrafted goods with a friend of mine and that too makes me really happy. so great. everything feels so great. i might even buy myself flowers or a present to congratulate myself for the running accomplishment. 

i deserve it right.

insert content sigh here.

http://youtu.be/V1eBpVW78OQ

i traded my soul to the mountains on my run this morning. in return they gave me some quiet.

stupid girl

i have never cared about v.day. ever. and for the first time in my life, tomorrow is going to hurt a little. only because i had asked him to be my v.tine and he said yes. and for some ridiculous reason i hope. i should really expect nothing. but there is this stupid girl in me that keeps making me feel.

mi grne

between the lines of a mantra.

i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i just want to know you're back safe. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont care.

bad week. feeling weak. not getting better and i have to get better. i wish i was going too.

so sick. just getting worse. can't sleep.

quelle surprise

i hope your day was good.

thanks for checking in and making sure im okay.

oh. 

wait.

less than

dearest friends,

i want to apologize for my behaviour over the last month. i recognize i have been an absentee friend and i am so sorry for that. i really am. i live for you all and love you all from every corner of my heart.

as you know, ive been going through something and havent really been able to talk about it. i still am struggling with it. d and i broke up. he ended things with me on new years eve. yup. its been hell and i am trying my best to get through this on my own. i couldnt tell you all because i couldnt say it out loud without the wind being knocked out of me. i still struggle with saying it. im very embarrassed. i am heartbroken. i am ashamed of myself. i know that there were times that i was very unhappy in my relationship with d, but he was my best friend, and i was willing to work it out and wait it out with him when he was having a hard time. unfortunately i just overcompensated because i never felt desired and ended up overwhelming him with trying to make his life happier and easier which would have resulted in him being happier with me. as a result of my pathetic behaviour, he doesn't want to be with me. he has told me this and asked me to move on. please don't feel bad for me. please. this is my own fault and my recovery is up to me. i wake up in the morning thinking that we are still together and then reality shocks me into anxiety and i remember that i lost my best friend. i spend the rest of the day mourning this loss and constantly telling myself that he doesn't want me and i need to be stronger. i wish this wasnt how it is. i wish i was able to be a good friend to you all right now. i wish i wasnt missing out on your lives. i need more time. but i wanted you all to know, i miss you. i miss him. please be patient with me. i think i am getting better.

i recognize that this is a big ramble. maybe ill actually send this to you. maybe i wont.

detached.

missing moments. missing you.

empty

its only been about six hours but it feels like eternity in limbo since you left.