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dearest friends,

i want to apologize for my behaviour over the last month. i recognize i have been an absentee friend and i am so sorry for that. i really am. i live for you all and love you all from every corner of my heart.

as you know, ive been going through something and havent really been able to talk about it. i still am struggling with it. d and i broke up. he ended things with me on new years eve. yup. its been hell and i am trying my best to get through this on my own. i couldnt tell you all because i couldnt say it out loud without the wind being knocked out of me. i still struggle with saying it. im very embarrassed. i am heartbroken. i am ashamed of myself. i know that there were times that i was very unhappy in my relationship with d, but he was my best friend, and i was willing to work it out and wait it out with him when he was having a hard time. unfortunately i just overcompensated because i never felt desired and ended up overwhelming him with trying to make his life happier and easier which would have resulted in him being happier with me. as a result of my pathetic behaviour, he doesn't want to be with me. he has told me this and asked me to move on. please don't feel bad for me. please. this is my own fault and my recovery is up to me. i wake up in the morning thinking that we are still together and then reality shocks me into anxiety and i remember that i lost my best friend. i spend the rest of the day mourning this loss and constantly telling myself that he doesn't want me and i need to be stronger. i wish this wasnt how it is. i wish i was able to be a good friend to you all right now. i wish i wasnt missing out on your lives. i need more time. but i wanted you all to know, i miss you. i miss him. please be patient with me. i think i am getting better.

i recognize that this is a big ramble. maybe ill actually send this to you. maybe i wont.